Thursday, July 18, 2013

The Single Life - A Peek Inside My Dating World

This one goes out to all my single ladies...

Online Dating.

So, I joined awhile tired of paying for shitty dates, quit, and switched to the free, and strangely similar caliber, OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish.

As long as you weed out the "Looking For: Nothing Serious"  (aka hook up, aka I'm too old for that shit! No!) men, I have found no real differences in the free versus paid sites. Joy.
Thus far, none of my dating attempts have proven very successful, although my married co-workers are quite amused at the gems I find on these sites that are too good not to be shared.

You're welcome, ladies.

You think you'll log on, create a profile, and think it's going to be all:

...but instead it's mostly: this photo I took of myself in a bathroom.

Extra points if I can obviously tell it is a public restroom, the answer is, no.  I will NOT ACCEPT.

Why guys think this is a selling point, I don't know.  Were you at the urinal checking your OK Cupid matches, and thought, now would be a really great time to update my profile photo? The benefits of confirming your percent body fat, wildly are outnumbered by the creep and douche factors.

I have decided my steadfast reasoning for turning down the bathroom ab 'selfie' guys.

They must just have NO friends.  Seriously. Think about it. Have you not been tagged in, or uploaded, one single photo on Facebook in the last five years that you could use for your profile photo instead??
No? Then there has to be something wrong with you. Right??
I mean, no family Christmas photo?  No corporate photo on Linkedin you could use?
I'm out.  I can't...

Story Time.

One of the first dates I went on after signing up from OK Cupid was with this guy...we'll call him Stewart. 

After some witty email banter (and they ALL have witty email banter...), and a phone call to confirm a real date, I saved this guy's number in my phone as: Stewart OK Cupid Tall Golfs Sushi Long Beach.  
Because let's be serious. If you are emailing with a few guys, and then set dates with a couple of those in the same week (stay with me here...), you tend to mix up the guys!! #SerialDatingProblems.  So of course I leave notes for myself to glance at right before I get out of my car for the date! Duh.

Anyway, so Stewart seemed promising.  Date #1 we met for dinner.  He was decent looking, seemed far, so good.  He wore a nice plaid button down shirt and had cool sunglasses. Though, he did wear weird baggy jeans, where I was like: is this dude awkward and chubby or just wearing bad pants?

(remember these pants for later.)  We sat down to eat and got along great.  Thinking back, I was trying to impress HIM also, so I was focused on paying attention to him and remembering what he had already told me in our emails, etc. We'll call that a slight distraction, but overall I called the date a success!

Cut to our Second Date.

Second date, he picks me up and now I notice he has a crazy hunch back, terrible posture!!!  He also is wearing the same jeans as last time, where now I can tell he is totally chubby and has a huge ass, (I'm talking BIG. and emphasized by his awkward 'mom' jeans.); plus he has let some facial hair grow, which is red, and he kept stroking it on his chin the whole night.  

AND he is wearing a too small, sleeves too short, crew neck sweatshirt top that is all faded and pilly and stretched out.  Clearly not dressed to impress, and I was over here in a cute dress, tights and boots, and just was like ew, this guy is a mess!!

Did he have only 1 remotely decent shirt, and he wore it on date 1??

The final straw? Sausage fingers.  Chubby butt makes for chubby hands. How did I not notice the sausage fingers on Date #1?!

The plan was a nice dinner, then a live improv show. He already bought tickets, I couldn't bail now. UGH. Well, at least I thought it was going to be a nice dinner. Nope.  We pull up at some back alley sushi place, in a strip mall, sandwiched between a tire shop and auto parts store. I feared food poisoning. Then, hoped for it, because it'd mean I could go home!

Then, he just kept saying stupid stuff and I felt way older than him, which I wasn't,  he said "kids freak him out", red flag!, and "yeah i just always do the bare minimum at work...", a real, mature winner, blah blah.....needless to say he got more and more unattractive, inside and out, to me all evening.
UGH. The date went on and on for hours, and since he was my ride, it is possible I may have texted a nearby friend a May Day! May Day! come get me!!!....yeah that happened. No luck. 

And there you have it. How it is possible to have a wonderful time on a first date, and then have the second date totally turn a 180, including the guy's actual appearance!, is beyond me.  But I am living proof.  It happened, and it wasn't pretty.

But, if being single is good for nothing else, it sure makes for some good stories to tell later!

Now, hurry up and find me this man, please:

Great. thanks.


So There.

This post is Linked Up over at One to Nothin' where the adorable MacKensie, along with Erin from Two Thirds Hazel, are rounding up the best (worst) dating stories! 

One to Nothin


  1. Oh friend, yikes!!! I'm so glad you wrote about that guy. You texted me about it, but that story was too good/awful not to post. Where are all the normal guys?!?!

  2. "I feared food poisoning. Then, hoped for it, because it'd mean I could go home!"

    HAHAHAHAHA!!! That's terrible. Thanks Amy, I needed a laugh this morning! Keep sharing your adventures =)

    Love the Bachelorette references, too. I'm still mad at Des for her decisions last week...(not posting what those decisions were, in case any of your readers haven't caught up on their DVR'ed episodes yet!)

    1. Haha, thank you for reading and being amused! :)

      Avoidance of spoilers is appreciated! I am, for once, caught up, and watched live on Monday! Usually it takes me until about Thursday to watch!
      I know...I am really not loving any of the guys for her...I have a sneaking suspicion Brooks will break her heart, too, and she is putting all her eggs in that basket :(
      We'll see!
      Previews are always SO deceiving!

  3. I'm a DVR/Hulu person myself, and I can appreciate having to shun technology until you're caught up, lest you glimpse a spoiler!

    I don't really love Des, but I think she sent home one of the two possible good matches for her. So there still might be one, but yeah, I'm with ya on the Brooks prediction!

    1. Sigh....yeah, I think Des is cute, and real, which is nice...but I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens in the finale!!

      Oh god. Men Tell All should be DRAMA.

  4. Haha Amy I'm so sorry! At least I'm not the one that set you up this time!

    1. Bahaha!!! I should write about that one, too ;) ;)

  5. Ooooh my god, that sounds awful!! SAUSAGE FINGERS?!? So gross. Love the Love Actually reference.. favorite movie ever!! Thanks for linking up!! You're a brave soul.. Online dating scares the hell out of me!! xo

    1. Thank you for having me!! xo
      Dude. the fingers were so gross. How did I miss them the first time around?!!

      It is scary how many (mostly harmless) weirdos and awkward people there are out there! Bahaha

  6. 1. I think what he has is a "girl-ish figure."
    2. There's another site called, which I wrote a post about and met the folks at their pop-up earlier this year. I think it might be worth a try - it's free to join and you get to call the shots.
    Good luck and I love your blog!

  7. Oh my god. I just joined OK Cupid a few weeks back and I feel ya on the ab pics. I've even had guys START a "conversation" with me by complimenting my tatas. Real classy, boys.

    And I do the notes thing when I save them on my phone too! "Matt: teacher, new homeowner, allergic to peanuts."

    1. Right...?? What is the DEAL?!
      Ew for real? Yuck! Yeah, seriously, the things boys say....insane.

      Bahaha, I am glad I am not the only one who does the phone notes!!! Seriously. Shit gets confusing, man...!

      Thanks for reading! xo

  8. Oh lordy. That date sounds horrible. Since moving to LA I kept saying how much I would dread trying to find a date here... can not imagine the real winners out there...

    But.... they make great blog posts, right? ;)

    1. Oh, there are A. LOT. of ;)

      Yup, good for a laugh!

  9. So I was almost convinced you were talking about my brother! Just hear me out, I think he's super funny and awesome, but I haven't ever been on a date with him (naturally) and you just never know! But he wears skinny jeans most of the time and has really good taste in shirts. He does have a red beard but he's more husky than chubby. He is on OK Cupid though. Oh yeah, the biggest give away is that is name is Rob, not Stewart. But I guess you could have been changing the name to protect the odd. I love bad date stories, I could tell a million of 'em.

    1. Bahahahahaha!!!!!
      Yes, I made up the name Stewart ;)
      But no, the real sausage fingers' name was not Rob, so you are in the clear! Too funny!

      Thanks so much for reading :)
      Maybe I'll tell another one some day...

  10. Why didn't I see this before? You are too funny!


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