Thursday, July 18, 2013

The Single Life - A Peek Inside My Dating World

This one goes out to all my single ladies...

Online Dating.

So, I joined awhile tired of paying for shitty dates, quit, and switched to the free, and strangely similar caliber, OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish.

As long as you weed out the "Looking For: Nothing Serious"  (aka hook up, aka I'm too old for that shit! No!) men, I have found no real differences in the free versus paid sites. Joy.
Thus far, none of my dating attempts have proven very successful, although my married co-workers are quite amused at the gems I find on these sites that are too good not to be shared.

You're welcome, ladies.

You think you'll log on, create a profile, and think it's going to be all:

...but instead it's mostly: this photo I took of myself in a bathroom.

Extra points if I can obviously tell it is a public restroom, the answer is, no.  I will NOT ACCEPT.

Why guys think this is a selling point, I don't know.  Were you at the urinal checking your OK Cupid matches, and thought, now would be a really great time to update my profile photo? The benefits of confirming your percent body fat, wildly are outnumbered by the creep and douche factors.

I have decided my steadfast reasoning for turning down the bathroom ab 'selfie' guys.

They must just have NO friends.  Seriously. Think about it. Have you not been tagged in, or uploaded, one single photo on Facebook in the last five years that you could use for your profile photo instead??
No? Then there has to be something wrong with you. Right??
I mean, no family Christmas photo?  No corporate photo on Linkedin you could use?
I'm out.  I can't...

Story Time.

One of the first dates I went on after signing up from OK Cupid was with this guy...we'll call him Stewart. 

After some witty email banter (and they ALL have witty email banter...), and a phone call to confirm a real date, I saved this guy's number in my phone as: Stewart OK Cupid Tall Golfs Sushi Long Beach.  
Because let's be serious. If you are emailing with a few guys, and then set dates with a couple of those in the same week (stay with me here...), you tend to mix up the guys!! #SerialDatingProblems.  So of course I leave notes for myself to glance at right before I get out of my car for the date! Duh.

Anyway, so Stewart seemed promising.  Date #1 we met for dinner.  He was decent looking, seemed far, so good.  He wore a nice plaid button down shirt and had cool sunglasses. Though, he did wear weird baggy jeans, where I was like: is this dude awkward and chubby or just wearing bad pants?

(remember these pants for later.)  We sat down to eat and got along great.  Thinking back, I was trying to impress HIM also, so I was focused on paying attention to him and remembering what he had already told me in our emails, etc. We'll call that a slight distraction, but overall I called the date a success!

Cut to our Second Date.

Second date, he picks me up and now I notice he has a crazy hunch back, terrible posture!!!  He also is wearing the same jeans as last time, where now I can tell he is totally chubby and has a huge ass, (I'm talking BIG. and emphasized by his awkward 'mom' jeans.); plus he has let some facial hair grow, which is red, and he kept stroking it on his chin the whole night.  

AND he is wearing a too small, sleeves too short, crew neck sweatshirt top that is all faded and pilly and stretched out.  Clearly not dressed to impress, and I was over here in a cute dress, tights and boots, and just was like ew, this guy is a mess!!

Did he have only 1 remotely decent shirt, and he wore it on date 1??

The final straw? Sausage fingers.  Chubby butt makes for chubby hands. How did I not notice the sausage fingers on Date #1?!

The plan was a nice dinner, then a live improv show. He already bought tickets, I couldn't bail now. UGH. Well, at least I thought it was going to be a nice dinner. Nope.  We pull up at some back alley sushi place, in a strip mall, sandwiched between a tire shop and auto parts store. I feared food poisoning. Then, hoped for it, because it'd mean I could go home!

Then, he just kept saying stupid stuff and I felt way older than him, which I wasn't,  he said "kids freak him out", red flag!, and "yeah i just always do the bare minimum at work...", a real, mature winner, blah blah.....needless to say he got more and more unattractive, inside and out, to me all evening.
UGH. The date went on and on for hours, and since he was my ride, it is possible I may have texted a nearby friend a May Day! May Day! come get me!!!....yeah that happened. No luck. 

And there you have it. How it is possible to have a wonderful time on a first date, and then have the second date totally turn a 180, including the guy's actual appearance!, is beyond me.  But I am living proof.  It happened, and it wasn't pretty.

But, if being single is good for nothing else, it sure makes for some good stories to tell later!

Now, hurry up and find me this man, please:

Great. thanks.


So There.

This post is Linked Up over at One to Nothin' where the adorable MacKensie, along with Erin from Two Thirds Hazel, are rounding up the best (worst) dating stories! 

One to Nothin